Leave the Doormat at the Door!

The plan to grow up and leave the narcissistic parent to be on your own and live happily ever after carries a few illusions. In my naivety, I assumed that I was leaving my problem(s) behind. I had yet to learn that my role in the dysfunctional family dynamic would tag along with me, woven into the fiber of my psyche-my very own designer baggage. Until I relearned how to show up in a new way in the world, I would lug the effects of my childhood into adulthood.

I discovered that those bosses eager to hire me might have seen my ‘people pleasing’ ways as a benefit to the job. However, those bosses, and friends who befriended or hired me, pulled me right back into the dynamic I was so eager to leave. Of course I was playing along in my well- worn role, until I woke up.

So are we forever chained to the dynamic we were born into? The answer is a no. The antidote, however, to stepping out of the demeaning and exhausting role of acting as the caregiving- people- pleasing person to the narcissistic personality, is to arm yourself with awareness, education and a strong commitment to change those behaviors, actions and reactions you were born in to.

You can leave a toxic relationship. However, if you don’t heal and mend what attracted you to them, they show up again. The same toxic mess, just a different person.

How can you tell the difference between normal and toxic?

The number one and most commonly used manipulations shows up in different variations of the dynamic called Gaslighting.

Here are some examples of gaslighting behaviors narcs are prone to use that will help you to ferret out the normal from the abusive. If your boss questions your memory, or professes that something happened, but you know did not happen, you are being gaslit. Gaslighting is a way to confuse and manipulate. It is also a technique to keep you quiet, small and in servitude. This is the exact dynamic you were eager to escape growing up.

If your boss, significant other, or friend uses trivializing to keep you off guard, gaslighting through minimizing is in play. They may belittle or disregard how you feel. How many times have you heard someone say “Don’t feel that way”, or “Don’t be sad”, or It is not that bad”. You are disregarded and your feelings…