From Her Death Bed

When I learned that my mom had terminal cancer, I braced myself. As the Nurse, healthcare for family defaults to me. No one asks, they assume and assign me the role of caregiver.

Here’s a little background. A few years back after going no contact for five years, I spent time getting to know what role I played as a child of a narcissistic parent. I discovered the ‘why’ I attracted narcissistic partners into my life. I was, turns out, the perfect match to the narc’s personality. I had been groomed to defer to their needs. I was trained not to be reactive when they violated boundaries, were rude, angry, self-centered, lied, betrayed my confidences, and praised others while putting me down. That was my normal.

So, I chose to do my healing work, get in touch with my authenticity, drop the mask of the person I had been molded into, dig through my shadow side (painful but cathartic!), and most importantly set up healthy boundaries for myself. Here is a link to my article “Get to Know your Shadow”.

As part of the work, I approached mom, before she became ill, with a manifesto of rules for my emotional safety and wellbeing. I made it clear she could not insult me. If she did, I would exit. Even if we drove together to a restaurant, I would leave immediately. I remember her eyebrows going up at this particular rule, a defiant ‘Oh no you wouldn’t look’. I made clear…