5 Essential & Basic Unmet Needs with a Narcissist
Healthy relationships serve needs on many levels. We hope our significant other support us, has our back and gives us a sense of safety, belonging, and acceptance.
That is what you believe you have with a narcissist while being hoodwinked in the beginning. The start of a relationship with a narc is a whirlwind of love bombing, flattery, promises, and flamboyant dreams. No wonder we hang on to this person with our fingernails as the wheels of the illusion comes off.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs outlines the template for our basic human needs, and how the narcissist fails at all five.
At the foundation of the hierarchy is our basic physical needs for home and shelter. With a narcissist, our physical well-being is robbed by the adrenalin-infused, anxiety-ridden confusion that characterizes the relationship with the narc after the mask drops. Underneath the narc’s false identity is a person propped up by defensive barbs thrown our way, and who is riddled with jealousy, competition, and arrogance.
Our second basic need is for safety. Feeling unsafe is common with the narc whose own safety comes first at all costs. Emotional safety does not exist as the narc degrades and minimizes your needs while maximizing theirs. Manipulations are unleashed that strangle your self-esteem and come in the form of shaming techniques to put you down and shut you up. Really manipulative narcs can shame you with a gentle voice and smile on their face as you shrink into the background.
Thirdly and sadly, the need for love and belonging is sabotaged when you realize the narc’s love for themselves supersedes loving you or respecting the integrity of the relationship. Emotional intimacy bolstered by empathy is the elixir of love. This recipe is not in the narc’s love language. The love you experienced at first was a mating call to entrap you into servitude.
The fourth unmet need exemplifies the complete decimation of your own dignity. You lose your sense of purpose, and authenticity, while your reality becomes a visitor to the main stage of their circus. Your own needs are downgraded to last on the list of importance.
Last, but not least, ascending the pinnacle of Maslow’s principle is self-actualization. Ideally, this is where you have found your love tribe, developed emotional intimacy, and feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable.
In these toxic relationships, there is no time or energy to give to actualizing your higher self. Remember when you wanted to be all you could be? Now, your focus is survival on all levels. It is only when you leave, unpack the historical timeline of this untenable situation, and start the healing process that you can regain balance.
See my video on “5 Essential & Basic Unmet Needs with A Narcissist” here:
As always I am here for you!
Diane Dennis is a RN, certified life coach, holds a certification in training and development, domestic violence advocacy, author, columnist and writer. She has a Youtube channel teaching healing modalities for adult children of narcissists. Email at dianedenimc@gmail.com.
